Layin' the Law! (Open)

[Deleted]

Much like a thirty year old man with no redeeming qualities still living in his mother's basement, we all have to accept that the responsibility that comes with a job is much more rewarding. Even if that responsibility stinks, and your mother's social security check is going to obtain that next bag of Funyuns way quicker. But Sam sure did love him some Funyuns, so the choice to go job hunting was a no brainer! So naturally, Sam wanted a career in law enforcement, and if that wasn't an option, the next best thing was a custodian. Alas, both jobs required something Sam lacked. A high school diploma! He...would've had one, but he had to drop out. Not by choice, of course. Max just happened to burn down the school after someone told him education was for babies.

Met with very limited options of what he could do, Sam eventually found himself where he felt most at home. With a bunch of degenerates, low-lifes, and scumbags occupying this establishment known as "Crossbones", it was like he never left the "safety" of his crime infested neighborhood! And the best part? The owner of the place gave him a job right on the spot without handing in a resume or anything! Sam admittedly didn't understand the qualifications of his new occupation, but his boss claimed his height was a major factor in his hiring. So a bouncer's job was to...stand there and be taller than everyone else? Sheesh. Didn't these people know that's the leading cause of Napoleon complexes?

Nevertheless, the feelings of the height impaired was the last thing on Sam's mind as he stood outside the bar whilst idly twiddling his fingers waiting for something to happen. An eye gouging, a cult sacrifice, a book club meeting for the Communist Manifesto. Anything! But all of this lack of action was making Sam miss his old days working as a freelance policeman. At least back then he didn't need to be "qualified", and if push came to shove, he could always make up a situation to give him something to work with!

......

"...Great nautical deep sea diving Neptune in a bikini! That's it!"

Ahh, yes! Who says he still couldn't enforce the law as his own boss nor make up his own cases to fill in for those lazy days? To heck with this bouncer job! Ridiculing short people with his staggering height wasn't his forte anyways. So without further ado, Sam left his position in front of the door, and checked around the premises for any wrongdoing whether intentional or something he could simply make up on the fly! After about five minutes of hiding in bushes, and stalking uncomfortable strangers, Sam finally found the perfect perps to land in the slammer...or earn himself an unneeded restraining order. A young couple sitting in a car minding their own business as they were sucking face. Anything illegal about that?

......

Nope! But that didn't stop Sam from approaching their vehicle during their competitive game of tonsil hockey. Letting them go at it, he proceeded to scrounge around through his coat pocket, and pulled out his beloved .44 Magnum Revolver. Now, I know what you're thinking! There isn't going be any 187's occurring here, I assure you! Sam wasn't that crazy. Instead, he was going to hold that gun by it's handle, and....

*CRACK!*

.....pistol whip the windshield!

"DUDE! What the hell?!"

"No, I'd like to think I'm on a mission from God. Anyways, sir, are you aware that you have a cracked windshield? Section 867-5309.82 states that you're required to have an 'adequate' windshield, and any obstruction of your view is against the law. Oh, and before you ask, yes, I might've made that up. I still choose to plead the fifth."

"...Uhhh, yeah, cause you cracked it, dingus! Are you even a real cop?!"

"Technically no, but I would be if those police academy courses didn't discriminate against the coordinately challenged. But this isn't about my inability to jump over hurdles. This is about your cracked windshield. I'm going to have to write you a ticket. License and registration, please?"

"Oh, screw you!"

"Well, okay, but if you're not going to show me your license, I'm just going to have to guess your name. Hmmm, let's see...you look like a Cornelius to me..."

Pulling out his notepad and pen in order to write this lawbreaker's ticket, he hadn't noticed the man was beginning to pull out of the parking lot!

"...How many N's are there in Algonquin?"

[Helena Bertinelli]

Helena had been feeling...restless. While she did enjoy being a teacher, she missed the thrill of swinging through the streets and hunting down criminals. And while she was perfectly aware that this place had a harder crack-down on things like that than a universe under the Justice Lords, she couldn't resist the urge to do a patrol every once in a while. It wasn't quite the same, of course. Here no one wore costumes, so she kept the tights packed away and went for simple yoga pants and a tank top. There weren't any big buildings to swing between, and she didn't have her motorcycle here, leaving her to hoof it the whole way. It was almost enough to put her off the whole thing entirely.

But the urge to patrol was in her blood, and that wasn't going away any time soon. So she pulled on her running shoes and pulled her hair back, letting her housemates assume (if they even noticed at all) that she was going for a simple run. She left the crossbow at home, but she couldn't resist grabbing the collapsible staff and carrying it with her like a weight. Maybe tonight she'd get a chance to knock a few heads.

She ran down to the bar district, which was the seediest place she could find in this town (aside from the main complex, but that was suit shady and she wasn't ready for that yet). When she heard the sound of a crack and some shouting, she smiled to herself and began running down the street toward the noise. Finally, she thought to herself. Something real is happening.

She skidded to a halt at the end of the street, melting into the shadows near the wall to watch what was going on. On hearing the bumbling not-cop, her brows furrowed and she frowned. Someone impersonating a cop? That was against the law, too. If this guy was going to be going around and pulling this sort of stunt, even breaking other people's cars, well, she might be forced to make a citizen's arrest. She looked at the wall to see if she could find a way to get up and get some leverage. The guy did look pretty massive, and it might be a good idea...oh, who was she kidding. She'd gone up against worse.

She glided down the street, waving to the driver of the car as he began to pull away. Coming up on the fake cop, who seemed engrossed in his work, she put on a sickly sweet smile and hit the button on her staff, letting it expand to its full length. "Two n's," she said quietly. "But I hope you're planning on paying for the damage to that gentleman's vehicle. Otherwise we might have to get rough here."

Okay, sure the guy was huge, especially from up close. So was Superman. And she was pretty sure this guy didn't have super strength and lasers coming out of her eyes. So what was she worried about? Looking the man up and down, she felt even more reassured. She could take him easily.